I am about six months behind reading my magazine subscriptions and they are almost piled up to my actual behind. Which could be fine. Because my ass be dragging nowadays. Magazines are now cheaper than a crack head that will offer to mow your lawn, right now in the snow, for five bucks lately. I look at them for purty pictures for artistic inspiration. So I got three “Make Yourself Feel Inferior For Dummies” manuals. (What? You can’t lose the baby weight as fast as Megan Fox? Here are some tongue depressors. You can thank me later.) These manuals are so special, most of them containing 75% glamourous advertising each!!! Because… advertising IS what every women wants (As told by empty suits in boardrooms everywhere. Even in Chanel suits). But I read the articles! Now I know why Amy Adams took out that restraining order against me.
So, one magazine I picked up, let’s just say its name rhymes with Schmogue, will be my initial expose. We all know everyone in the business world has to sleep together and be willing to get down and dirty even though it’s not even Woodstock or Coachella. Between the boardroom notes and ads, you could probably choke a paper shedder at a U.S. Embassey in the Middle East, or even at the I.R.S with one of the Mag-Hags ™. Some September issues could even count as lethal weapons that should probably be carried by drones soon.
So! Let’s see who’s doing to whom and what at Schmogue!
• Ralph Lauren has finally figured out after only about 30 years, that not everyone wants to look like they showed up at the Hunt Cup from just docking off the QE II from jolly Ole England. Or look like their front yard still contains a lawn jockey. This ad looks like he’s doing homage to the late Steve Jobs with a black cashmere turtleneck instead. You could wear it waiting for an iPhone 6 to keep you warm that will later bend to the shape of your butt. Not the sweater. Just the phone. Dry clean only. Grade: B
• Why is a woman wearing Prada leaning her face on a wall where it looks like hobos likely pee and there’s no “Banksy” graffiti? Grade: P (I guess!?!)
• Why do they still make the Clinique salespeople wear those white doctors’ jackets? It’s not like we’re in 70s anymore (although I wish I was). Question: Can those ladies pretend to be personnel at a CVS after hours without threat of firing so I can get better service? They’d probably have to volunteer for stale cigarettes though, so I’m guessing no. Grade: C –
• Why do women wearing Burberry suddenly exude that ol’ bitch stank? Do they soak the wool in super model Naomi Campbell’s bathtub (her maid didn’t clean after the last concussion she received) first? I hope the “Burbitches” end up doing community service too. In Doc Martins! Grade: B
• If actor Tilda Swinton shot-gunned a gallon of clay smoothies (call me, Wes Anderson), while suffering from dehydration and she hardened… this would be your Marc Jacobs creation. Grade: C
• Every woman wants her puppy to poo in her Coach “Central Park East Satchel.” Hey, at least he’s he’s not pooping in a Birkin. He has some moral principles. Give poops a chance. Grade: P (Again!)
• H&M, not be confused with S&M (albeit skeptically) has created a women’s lacrosse suit that looks like something out of Mad Max. I hope they don’t end up near Mel Gibson’s Jacuzzi. He probably doesn’t clean his as often as Hugh Hefner does. Grade: M
And that’s it for Vague Thoughts today!